Death, my secret lover in disguise.

After the huge and utter epic fail that was and is the chat box (see it over there? > Almost empty?) I decided that I should enlighten whoever actually reads this, as well as distract myself from my sleeplessness. As I (along with approximately 19 million americans?) Fight a seesaw battle with what in my estimation is depression, I get to thinking a lot more than usual. If you know me you know how nearly impossible that is. I'm talkin real deep thought that I get lost in, not just... Thinking, but I digress. The subject on mine and in the back of everyones mind, but not on it for most people, happens to be death. Meeting death is something many people, with the exception of Peter Griffen, fear. But why? When you think about it, is there realy anything to fear? Its not the fact of being dead that scares us, its losing the things and people we love forever that does. These things we've spent our whole lives with, doing, learning about, then having them taken away. When we have a near death experience, those things come to mind immediately. We think something along the lines of "Oh shit, I'll never see my loved ones again." When you sit down and think about the world, should you really fear death? A world that is on an amazingly fast downward spiral, would really be missed that much? No. But that is not what comes to mind. The fearless (and suicidal) think "Oh well at all that bad shit is over with." Are they wrong to think this? They're making it easy for themselves. Is that wrong? A better question would be, does it matter? Take a fatal car crash for example. During which they say (and I've experienced (not the fatal part but the crash part)) that everything happens in slow motion because of the adrenaline or some BS. Whatever the reason, for that split second that seems to take forever, you're either going to be afraid to die, or not. When that second is over, and you are dead, it doesn't matter anymore does it? Your consciousness that you gained somwhere along the line (this will be explored later) is over. You won't even know that you're dead. Any pain that would have happened, gone. So is there really anything to fear? It's going to happen, is worrying about it wasting your life away? I don't think we will ever understand what happens when we take that final nap. How can anything happen at all? The conscious mind that you have is up in your brain. Without that, you are not you. There have been many people who have been dead, but brought back to life. Stories of people flat lining and being recusitated minutes later. Do they remember anything? Were they ripped away from heaven when they were revived? There's many sides to this coin, all questions that won't be answered and we're wasting our time asking. There could very well be no meaning to life. The universe is infact endless. And when you die, you won't even notice. That's what life is for, to notice and to enjoy. Love the ones you hold dear with everything you have, and don't waste your time on the ones that aren't worth it.

I still miss John Ritter.

I once had the best feeling in the world.
every 6 am Id wake and take;
two wheels to freedom, 6 miles from home.
passed the pain and welcoming more,
the same soundtrack 68 days a lifetime
the best feeling in the world, was briefly mine. 
It's easy to look back and see,
the morning air, the cool air, out of character
I only needed two legs and 16 songs to get me around the horn. 
In between breakdowns and crashes 
I felt on top of the world, 
but I gave it up in search of a better life.
A better life I had, and needed nothing more,
and one more year, seems somewhat pointless at this time.
Through all it gave me, I still want those 2 months back;
with a dash of my dropped 10. 

a playlist on repeat

As a misguided youth, I'm younger than I feel.
Every one and thing in this hallway, doesn't seem real.
Oh it all makes sense, every line is less of a deal.
Everyones run out of breath and their fingers bleed,
But they're someone else so 'what does it matter to me?'
Noones the saint they pretend to be,
They just hope the other side noone will see.

Live it up kids, cuz once its done everyone is gone
Don't fuck up kids, cuz a lesson might get learned.
Live it up kids, after class you get to leave,
As everyone else. You'll be lonier than God,
If you can believe.

We'll look back and see we were worse than disco
As one mindset generation, we gotta let it go.
Egos fight egos over something trivial in even a virtual world
Don't realize they're the same, just a different face for each girl.
But we can't step outside long enough
To hear another side of the same story
Just cuz it has a different name,
Noone cares in this me first game.

Live it up kids, cuz once its done everyone is gone
Don't fuck up kids, cuz a lesson might get learned.
Live it up kids, after class you get to leave,
As everyone else. You'll be lonier than God,
If you can believe.

what a pile, from the outside.

We all knew her name, Azempri, of high school slut fame.   
noone ever called her out, she was the only one who sent the invites
what little she spoke, every word a lie, to make herself seem less lame
she always had it hard, but needing to oneup everyone elses lives.
Always wanting to fit in, always wanting to be perfect,
slowing down finally seemed somewhat worth it.
she spent the nights away, with concious dreams of her favorite drugs
all of the ones shes missing out on, how she's missing all the fun.
beaten, bashed and shattered brain
falling down never seemed so sane.
her only reality could be found on TV
as it provides the best conversation she can feel.

Where do you go, when your only friend is your own?
Too much a reject for oz, too addicted for wonderland.
when every day you feel the pain all around,
you havent slept for days, and your favorite fun is so bland.
on the outside, watching yourself sleep away
thinking of dreaming of wasting the day.
can you save her soul friends?
do the damned have souls to mend?
I wrote it on the wall for her, outside of all her doors
"do everything like you've got something to fight for"

She alone, living in parallel just outside of hell
she screams "it's worse, but im immortal while you all survive"
I want to save her, id sacrifice myself
I want to save her life, but she is not alive.
she watches herself, she knows herself
but her whole life is a lie, and she dies when i die.

this one too..

Do you remember when we wrecked the halls?
Tore down the hotels and watched the future fall?
Remember watching the class rule
Well we didn't care because we ruled too.
With a death wish we set out at all hours
Nothing legal we lived because we could

Where did we go?
When did we go?
The times we felt alone
Did it ever hurt till now?
We lied to ourselves
But was it so bad?
Because we once lived
And now we don't know how

Remember when we partied like it was our last
And it seemed like it was cuz friends are gone in a flash
Everything we did, we did for love
And work, we didn't know how
We found every way around town.
Remember when our feet had the most miles?
Nowhere was off limits cuz we claimed to be a child.

Where did we go?
When did we go?
The times we felt alone
Did it ever hurt till now?
We lied to ourselves
But was it so bad?
Because we once lived
And now we don't know how

not sure if this was posted yet, so here they are:

Just when you've seen it all
The atrocities of the world come crash down on you
Justr when you've seen it all
Tragedy strikes you, don't know what to do

Desensitized by media airwaves
We never visit their graves
Because we see death as commonplace
But just when it hits home
Then everyone will know
The beauty on tv is all the lies
We are desensitized

Here johnny watches a movie
At the age of about 3
And sees a big hero, rambo.
Through a life of the movie
A shut in he would be
Spoon fed lies he doesn't realize.
Sets off to war, to end the fight alone
Quickly sees he is no rambo.
Keep up your self wits
Or lose your head right quick
You came here with a job to do.
But once he panics and hesitates to cover fire
he and his regiment all burn first.

No body likes an ego
Walkin around in a persons body
You're too big to fit that skin you
Don to fit in, you are just a nobody.

In a perfect world your ego wouldn't fit.
In a perfect world there'd be no arrogance.
In a perfect world we wouldn't profit from lives.
In a perfect world the ones we trust would not lie.

I am:

Sofa King

BORED

That perfect expression...

Someone, somewhere, contributed to the ever growing list of words in the current language that had been established by a group of individuals.

This one person, invented a perfect word to exemplify so many feelings in one convenient word, which is a good and a bad thing, which coincidentally this word can be used to express a good or a bad thing.

In this case, this word expresses my feelings exactly.  I could not describe the feelings I have right now any better with a thousand words....

Thank you whoever you are, for the perfect word for me, right now.

FUCK.